Friday Fictioneers: What’s that?

Copyright-Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

Copyright-Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

“Can you watch Jamie? The hospital called, it’s my father.”

“Of course, what are neighbors for?”

“Thank you; there are coloring books in his backpack. Be a good boy for Mrs. Lynn, Jamie.” The little boy’s mother said as she raced to the hospital.

“What’s that?”

“It’s a very old telephone.” Mrs. Lynn answered the skeptical child.

“What’s that?”

“It’s a Hanukkah menorah—for candles…” She attempted.

“Is that your grandpa?” the boy asked pointing at an old photograph.

“No, that’s my father.”

“Is grandpa going to be okay?”Jamie whispered.

“I don’t know, baby, why don’t we pray for him.”

——

Friday Fictioneers: Every Friday authors from around the world gather here to share their 100-words based on the photo prompt hosted by Rochelle Wisoff, offering constructive crit and encouragement to each other. Readers are encouraged to comment as well. For more Friday Fictioneers’ stories…

Advertisements

18 thoughts on “Friday Fictioneers: What’s that?

  1. muZer says:

    Aww.. The inquisitive & concerned boy.. Sweet story..

  2. Interesting piece as young boy begins to become aware of the complexities of the world. BTW, I don’t see your piece listed on the “collections” page.

  3. yerpirate says:

    Terribly touching story, with the ‘whisper’.

  4. rgayer55 says:

    A very poignant slice of life. I love the last line. Prayer is always good medicine.

  5. claireful says:

    Very realistic dialogue. I love the way the child talks – without any hesitation, just a barrage of questions.

  6. Sandra says:

    Good dialogue. I liked this one.

  7. I like the connection between the photograph and the little boy’s question. Nice work.

  8. elmowrites says:

    Nice use of the prompt – you’ve captured the little boy’s way of worrying and the caring but slightly clueless neighbour delightfully here.
    If I might offer a little critique, I’d suggest that the line: “The little boy’s mother said as she raced to the hospital” is the weakest. Partly, I feel like neither the narrator nor the neighbour would use the words “the little boy” to describe Jamie – and we can tell that’s what he is from the rest of the story, so it’s unnecessary too. Secondly, the mother isn’t saying this as she races to the hospital, she’s saying it when she drops the boy off, so the action isn’t fitted to the word. Given the excellence of the rest of the story, I feel you could use that extra wordcount much more beautifully.
    Looking forward to reading more of your stories in future.

  9. AR Neal says:

    A thoughtful story…thank you for sharing!

  10. I agree that the dialogue is very realistic. I also agree with Elmowrites. You could leave the entire sentence about the mom out and it would read well. Or you could put “Jamie asked” before or after the next sentence or… Lots of choices.

  11. nightlake says:

    so well done with good flow of conversation

  12. Dear Jenn,
    A very sweet piece with understated layers. I have no critique as Elmo and Ms. Tea pretty much covered it.
    shalom,
    Rochelle

  13. tedstrutz says:

    Very believable… I liked your take on the prompt.

  14. rich says:

    this line: “Thank you; there are coloring books in his backpack.” there’s never a need for a semicolon in dialogue. a semicolon really just demarcates two separate sentences that are related in thought. but we don’t really talk that way, so just a period is good enough.

    also – well done.

Comments are closed.